I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
