You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
