Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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