I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
