Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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