If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
