Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
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