My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
