she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
