im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
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