He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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