I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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