Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
