Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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