so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
This baby is an asshole
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
