So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
