worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
