I CAN MOONWALK!
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
