Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
