You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I have post one night stand depression
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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