He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
