I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
