Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
