Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i came on her dog
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
