yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
