my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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