I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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