i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
