Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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