I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
