my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
