nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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