um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
