You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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