My friends, they love my intelligence
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
