do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
