Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
