Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
