oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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