someone get that fucking seahorse.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
