For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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