Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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