Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
why do cheetos always look like penises
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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