just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
