I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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