She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
