no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
