please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
