so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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