But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
