ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
