I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
